


a slow, dawning realization

by nev_longbottom



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - BDSM, BDSM, Bondage, Boot Worship, Caning, D/s, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, F/M, Gags, Implied/Referenced Sexual Harassment, Monocle's A+ Parenting, No Beta, Shibari, We Die Like Men, tags will be added as needed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-03-22
Packaged: 2019-11-15 13:13:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18074060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nev_longbottom/pseuds/nev_longbottom
Summary: Sgt. Santiago taps on the box next to sex. “You forgot to circle your dynamic.”Diego looks to where she’s pointing.DYNAMIC circle one Dom Sub SwitchHe has no idea what it means. He circles the first option and hands it back. “Sorry, I didn’t think it was important.”The sargent visibly softens at that. “It shouldn’t be.”Fuck, Diego thinks. That was probably important.





	1. circle one

**Author's Note:**

> Tags are indicative of things referenced in the fic, not just things actually portrayed. A brief description of the verse will be added at the end for anyone who wants to avoid spoilers.

“You forgot to fill out this box,” she says, handing his back his new hire paperwork. 

Diego thought he knew what he was doing. He sweet talked his way into a hot and a cot in a gym, he did odd jobs in the neighborhood for cash, he nailed his job interview at the precinct and he had been sure he had his life figured out.

“I did?,” he says taking it back and scanning it over. “Where?” Name, sex, address, medical history all looked right. He skipped the middle name section and the medical conditions sections. Maybe he was supposed to write down that he’s fine? That or alive.

Sgt. Santiago taps on the box next to sex. “You forgot to circle your dynamic.”

Diego looks to where she’s pointing. 

DYNAMIC circle one Dom Sub Switch

He has no idea what it means. He circles the first option and hands it back. “Sorry, I didn’t think it was important.”

The sargent visibly softens at that. “It shouldn’t be.”

Fuck, Diego thinks. That was probably important. 

He keeps it on the back of his mind as they start going through the motions at the Academy. He can tell that the other cadet’s aren’t used to morning training. He’s careful to run in the middle of the pack at first, when they run laps, until he remembers that he doesn’t have to worry about Luthor’s crippling insecurity or Klaus trying to sabotage anyone running ahead of him - he can just run. So Diego pushes himself and runs so far ahead of the other cadet’s that he can’t help himself from laughing at something that feels so good.

He wonders if it's just as obvious to everyone else that he has no idea what to do in an academic setting. Most of their learning was done through memorization and sometimes there were clipboards? Mom made everyone sit behind weird table-chair hybrids. He knows that the way they were raised was dysfunctional at best, but every day since he left he’s felt like he’s walking through an alien landscape. 

Diego learns to keep his mouth shut and his hands to himself. Even the hand to hand training is different. Dad trained them to kill. Minimize civilian injury and damage is new and foreign. He hasn’t felt like this in years.

Between his classes and his interactions with his classmates, he manages to get some recon on the weird paperwork thing. Dom meant someone who protected and cared for subs who were people who needed it. At least, that’s what Diego thinks he’s figured out. Sometimes the instructors would give them instructions on how to handle “panicked subs” only to quickly change the language to “panicked civilians,” or tips on domestic violence situations where the instructors make similar slips. He wasn’t completely sure what subs were, but from the general gist he picked up, they sounded like Mom. If Doms were the ones who protected people like Mom, then he definitely was one of the people who protect them.

At least, that’s what he thought until he was out drinking with the cadets and Patch says, “C’mon Beaman, I heard you have a sweetheart.”

Beaman blushes and says, “It’s new. I don’t want to jinx anything. We haven’t scened yet.”

Diego doesn’t know what that means. “You haven’t scened?” He says, because he learned a long time ago that he can fake knowing what people are talking about by repeating the confusing part as a question. It usually works.

Patch and Yamaguchi both start to crow. “Have you gagged her?” Yamaguchi asks.

Diego looks at Yamaguchi oddly. That’s a weird question.

“No,” Beaman says, “C’mon guys, I don’t tie and tell.”

“You tied her up?” Patch says, half delighted disbelief. When Beaman blushes, she quickly adds, “You did? Did you tie her down? You did! You totally did.” 

The other cadets start giving Beaming tips that sound increasingly, more and more alarming, until he tells them to stop because he knows “how to dom a submissive right, okay guys?”

Diego drops his beer.

He calls Allison the first time he gets twenty minutes to himself. “Did you know about the submissive and dominance stuff that keeps coming up?” He says quickly. It took him a while to get access to the land line without anyone around.

“Hi Diego,” she huffs into the phone. “What ever happened to ‘Hello, Allison, did you know about subs and doms.’”

“Hello Allison, did you know about it?” He snaps, and then looks down the hall to see if anyone in the dorms had noticed.

Her voice is bitter when she replies, “No. Mom and Dad didn’t tell us shit. I found out about it by reading casting scripts. I feel like I need a therapist to figure out if all times Dad gagged me was incest.”

“Gagging is a sex thing?” Diego jolts, “Wait - does that mean all times we were tied up when we were kidnapped was a dating thing?”

“I‘ve been trying not to think about that. It explains why the Tectonic Twins were obsessed with kidnapping Ben and tying him up. Creeps,” Allison groans. “I have an audition in the morning. I do not need to be doing this right now.”

Diego scoffs, “What are you worried about? Aren’t you just going to Rumor them into giving you the part?” A horrible clattering sound comes through the line before he hears the dial tone. She hung up.

He has no idea why she did that. Allison could be so weird. 

Diego sighed. Back to recon.


	2. make love, not war

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings at the bottom.

Diego’s twenty four weeks in the Academy are relief after the five weeks he spent without any kind of structure. There’s a stark relief in waking up in the morning with his life worked out. He mops the floor and disinfects the equipment. He then starts his early morning jog out to catch the subway to the Academy. 

He makes sure to wave hello to his working friends as they head homes or linger for a late customer. He picks up a sandwich from Moishe’s Deli and manages to make it just in time get in line for calisthenics. He makes his way to his new team and warms up with them as the rest of the Cadet class. Beaman, Yamaguchi, Patch and Horton always look various levels of offended at him in the mornings.

They spend the first few weeks giving him a hard time when they find out he shares a birthday with the Umbrella Academy kids but they don’t connect the dots. Diego counts his blessings.

The book learning is hard, but Diego read Municipal Codes over and over again as he helps Moishe close his deli. He Goes of State Law as he scrubs the bathrooms at Frank’s gym and runs load after load of laundry.

The weeks are over faster than he like and the transition to being a probationary rookie is harder than he thought. His senior partner spends half his time telling Diego to use less force. Being in the field makes everything harder. His instincts claw under his skin to teach the scumbags a lesson. He gets rough with the violent drunks and his written up at least twice for using excessive force when responding to domestic violence calls. 

The one thing that keeps baffling his partner and his superiors how gentle he is with junkie calls. He can’t help but see Klaus in every violent meth head and delirious smack addict. Even his senior partner tells him he has a knack for talking down the worst crackheads. Not that Diego likes his brother. It's just that after spending most of his childhood terrorizing Klaus, he got a little attached to that asshole.

Diego hates his job sometimes. He hates the way it holds him back. He hates all the rules that make him feel like he’s six years old and getting Allison’s muzzle wrapped around his face because dear old Dad is sick of hearing his stutter. He spends more time than he cares feeling frustrated and on the verge of snapping.

Diego has worked so hard to get everything he wants and he still feels like he isn't good enough. Some days he wraps a blanket around a coked out vagrant and he feels like he’s found his place in the world. Other days, he has to watch his partner get stabbed during a call and his hands itch for his knives. 

He does his best to put up with snide comment from some of the other cops. He doesn’t even understand some of it. He can tell by the tone and the snickers when it's something that should be offensive but as a rookie he just has to take it. He worries that he's going to crack a tooth from all the time he spends with his jaw clenched. 

“Oye, Conejito,” Rodriguez says, leaning into his space in a way that makes him feel threatened. “Quieres mostrarme sus diamantes?” She twirls her finger to indicate his chest.

Yeah, Diego’s not going to put up with this. He crossed his arm and pointedly takes a wide side step away from her. “Yeah, I’m not going to put up with this. I don’t know what you just said but I’m pretty HR wouldn’t be happy if I repeated it back. Keep your weird, racist shit to yourself.”

Rodriguez laughs at him. “Oh honey,” she said, “You’re even dumber than I thought. You're lucky you're pretty.” 

He repeats the conversation back to his team over drinks that week. 

“Yeah. I don’t know Spanish, but I know she’s a bitch.” Yamaguchi puts a couple dollars in the middle of the table. “That’s for your drink, Hargreeves.” 

Horton throws a couple more bills on the table.

Beaman reaches for his wallet, “That was sexual harassment. She called you a bunny and asked you to show her your diamonds.” He shudders. “Man I feel dirty just repeating it.”

Patch and Yamaguchi both cringe. Horton rolls her eyes.

Diego’s clearly missing something. “I think I’m missing something,” He says. “Is this some kind of rich kid crack? What to rabbits have to do with money?”

Yamaguchi squints at him. “Are you Amish?” He asks. 

Diego crosses his arms. “I was homeschooled.” 

Beaman leans forward, eyes wide. Horton doesn’t even look surprised.

“How homeschooled?” Yamaguchi asks, squinting further. “Like- like- fuck, I don’t even know. Did they put you in a tower and make you fight a dragon to get out?”

Diego hunches a little, looking down at the table. “Mom taught us and she wasn’t allowed to leave the house so we just stayed at home. Dad made us all study different things and if he caught us with contraband, he’d flip.”

Beaman makes a face and leans back. “Oh, you’re from one of those households.”

“Let me guess,” Patch says, grabbing a fry from the basket. “Your Dad was an over controlling dominant bordering on abusive.”

Diego shakes his head and even as he does it, he feels like he’s lying. “He w-” Diego says, feeling the words start to get caught. He takes a deep breath. “Look, can you just tell me what the spanish stuff means?”

Horton gives him a sympathetic look and leans over just enough to give him a quick half hug with her left arm.

“Rodriguez was calling you a sub and asking you to get naked. Bunny’s a dirty nickname for subs that like being tied up. The rope knots can leave imprints that look like diamonds,” Beaman tries to take a sip from his empty whiskey glass. “Now I feel dirty. Thanks, Hargreeves. Thanks a lot.”

It takes Diego a minute to wrap his mind around it. He doesn’t get the appeal of being tied up at all. He’s been kidnapped and tied up so many times that it’s just annoying. Sometimes the rope scratches and it’s almost never comfortable. Well, except for that one time with Rook, but Rook had done such a shitty job that Diego’s leg had been left free and he just walked out of the place on his own.

His Dad used to make Pogo tie up Diego and all his brothers and sisters to make them practice getting out of knots. Well, not Vanya but everyone else. Diego really did not get the appeal. Also, having a chimpanzee as a practically a third parent killed the appeal of animal nicknames. It made Diego feel racist.

“Don’t punch her next time she calls you that,” Patch says before reaching for another handful of fries.

“I’m not going to punch her,” Diego says, reaching for his own fry.

Yamaguchi and Horton share a look.

“Mmhmm,” Beaman tries to take another sip of his empty glass and scowls at it. “If there’s one thing I know about you, Hargreeves, is that your first solution to a problem is to punch it. And your second solution is to punch it again.”

Diego scowls and takes a long sip of his milk to keep himself from saying something stupid.

Patch snickers. “Look, just do what I do. When she calls you something stupid, remind yourself that it’s not worth your badge and ignore her.As a Dom, I refuse to let Doms like her set a standard for Doms everywhere.”

“No way,” Beaman shakes his head so emphatically he nearly falls off his stool. “If she calls you bunny, you call her a bunny right back. Mama didn’t raise no bitchass punk.”

Yamaguchi chokes back a laugh. “I don’t think my advice would work in this situation.”

“Why, what would you do?” Patch asks.

The corner of Yamaguchi's mouth twitches. “I’d fuck her.” 

Horton clutches her police badge, completely scandalized. 

Yamaguchi shrugs. “She’s a hot bitch and she have you seen the way she moves her hands in full bitch mode? I bet she flogs like a dream.” He spreads his arms in a grandiose gesture. “As an ethical ropebunny, I would be happy to take one for the team. Hopefully more than one. Make love, not war.”

Patch starts snickering again. “Yeah, no. That’s not going to work for Punchy McDom here.”

“Ask her if she likes male switches,” Yamaguchi demands. “Be a friend, Hargreeves. I’m thirsty.”

“Fine,” Diego says, rolling his eyes. He grabs the nearest waitress and orders Yamaguchi a refill.

Patch laughs so hard she falls off the stool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Diego gets sexually harassed by a coworker.


	3. revelation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be an easy one quick one shot. FML.

After his partner’s stabbing, Diego gets stuck on traffic duty. He spends half his time considering quitting the force. He has to spend his days driving around, looking for traffic code violations. If he has a suspected DUI, he isn’t even allowed to administer the test. He has to call dispatch, have them send someone else out to the location, and they administer the test. Meanwhile, Diego is just sick of frisking people down. 

The civilian arches his back over the hood of the car. “I guess,” He says, licking his finger and trailing it down his chest.“You’re going to have to search me officer.” He turns over, sticking his ass out and pressing his chest and cheek against the hood, spreading his legs and letting out a low moan.

Diego hates working traffic. So much.

He’s not even allowed to complain about it. The team voted and permanent banned traffic complaints. Probably because most of them were also doing some of the same stuff. 

“Horton’s buying drinks today!” Beaman says. “This crazy ass girl actually got assigned to an Equestrian partner.”

“No shit,” Diego says. “Really?”

Horton shakes her hands by her head as hard and fast and she can manage.

“That’s fantastic. C’mere,” Diego pulls her into a hug.

Patch shows up late with her side piece and introduces Gillian to all of them with a bright grin. Gillian spends most of the night leaning in a little too closely to Patch for Diego’s comfort. 

The senior officers had warned them. Being an officer’s sweetheart is hard but being a cop’s spouse is even harder. Sgt. Crews had overheard Beaman bragging about his sub at home and given them a decent lecture on balancing their personal lives. “Hiding the hard parts makes it harder on them. Be honest with your partner,” he told them. “But don’t ruin an investigation.”

Patch is bringing Gillian as a litmus test to see if it could work before it gets serious. Diego knows this. He does, but there’s something in his stomach that’s deeply unsettled at the thought of Patch having someone. She’s different than most people. She’s like solid ground for Diego. She’s laughs at bad jokes, she always makes the sensible decision and she hates ketchup.

He likes the rest of the team as well. Yamaguchi had confidence and sexual drive that reminded him a little of Klaus. Beaman had a thick streak of justice in him that Diego frankly admired. Horton was tiny but the the loudest of the bunch. Every single thought was always displayed on her face like a billboard.

Patch, though. Patch had a knack for calming him down when he was on edge and making him laugh when he least wanted to.

Diego wants to like Gillian. She had bottle red hair and a smile that’s never seen hardship. He wants to like her but, “Oh my god, your name is Diego Hargreeves? Like the kid from the Umbrella Academy?” she asks, gasping with delight.

Beaman doesn’t even blink, “Him?” He says, baffled.

Yamaguchi laughs so hard he has to lean on the table for support.

Diego crosses his arms. “I don’t know what’s your talking about. The Umbrella Academy never gave out any names.”

Horton throws arms open, signing ‘what the fuck’ with her entire body.

GIllian nudges Patch out of the way and leans into Diego’s space, examining him closely. “Yeah, but come on. A rich billionaire unveils a team of six preteen superheroes that are the same age as his seven adopted kids? Yeah, the Hargreeves kids are totally superheroes.” She glances back at Patch and then goes back to leaning into Diego’s space. 

He tolerates it until she starts poking as tugging at him, “Hands off, I’m not consenting to getting groped.” He pries her hand off of his chest and places it on the table. His hand lingers on the cuff for second. It's softer than he expected. He wouldn't mind touching something like that every day. He glances at Patch. 

She looks furious.

He pulls his hand back as fast as he can.

“Sorry,” Gillian says. 

Diego can tell she doesn't mean a word of it. He presses his lips together in an attempt to smile. “So who wants an order of-”

“I’m sorry, it’s just - Are you the Horror? Or Kraken? Or are you the secret seventh member? What’s their code name?” She asks, grabbing her hand around his right wrist.

He can see Patch standing behind Gillian, getting angrier at the second. Diego is so busy hoping that she’s not mad at him that it takes him a second to catch the last question.

“What? There’s- What? There’s no shapeshifter.” He says, trying to tug his hand out from her hold. 

Her grip tightens. He can feel her nails dig in.

“It’s all over the forums. Seven adopted kids but only six public members?” She lets out a bark of laughter. “We can count. Clearly there was a seventh secret member with invisibility or shapeshifting or some other secret power trade off. What happened to the seventh member?”

Beaman covers his mouth. “Oh shit. Oh shit. I thought it was a weird coincidence that your name is Hargreeves.”

Diego tugs his hand harder. He really wants to like Gillian. It’s really not going to happen.

“Let go of him right now!” Patch snaps, teeth almost bared. “We’re leaving.”

Gillian somehow manages to grin even wider when Patch grabs her roughly by the other arm and yanks her towards the door. Her nails leave long red scratches across his wrist.

Diego rubs his wrist and tries and tries to act casual. “Anyone else have a shit patrol today? Traffic beat was the fucking-”

Horton shoves Diego mid-sentence and punches him in the shoulder.

Yamaguchi slumps in his stool, weak from laughing. “You even have the tramp stamp on your forearm.”

Diego is one million percent done with these dumb shits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unwanted grabbing in this chapter by an aggressive groupie.


	4. yearning

Diego can’t get Gillian’s cuffs out of his head. He keeps playing the memory of them. The soft warmth of the leather and Patch’s expression keeps circling in the back of his head over and over again, making him yearn and feel guilty at the same time. He knows he wants but he doesn’t understand what the want is for.

He lingers over his paperwork at his shared desk until finally, finally Yamaguchi comes in. Yamaguchi is covered in more mud than Diego things he’s ever seen in his life. It’s a bad time. Diego knows this, and he still can’t help himself from throwing a paper football across the bullpen to land perfectly on Yamaguchi’s desk.

Yamaguchi storms over, his flaking mud parting the sea of officers. “Is this real? Please tell me it’s real. Today has been horrible and if it’s real, I will cherish this forever.”

Diego frowns. “Of course it’s real. Why would I send you a fake question?”

“You wrote ‘can you set me up with a sub’ on the back of the menu for a sandwich shop,” Yamaguchi says, holding out the crumpled paper. He sits down on Diego’s desk, spreading his dirt everywhere.

“It was from the recycling bin. Will you do it?” He asks.

Yamaguchi places both hands over his heart. “Oh baby, of course I’ll set you up. I’m going to give you a list and you tell me who you like. Meryl Streep, Ted Danson, Jennifer Allison Page, or Vin Diesel?”

Diego makes a face. “The only name I recognize from that list is my sister’s stage name.”

Yamaguchi pauses. “You really don’t recognize-? She’s-” Yamaguchi stop mid sentence and closes his eyes for a moment. “Focus, Max. Focus.” He takes a deep breath, then opens his eyes. “Okay, let’s try this again but with people you actually know. Chief Wunch, Detective Pembroke, Sgt. Wells, or Sgt. Santiago?”

Diego gives a quick glance around the room to make sure no one is too close. He leans in and says, “Santiago.”

Yamaguchi makes a check mark in the air. “Okay. Detective Sandberg, Detective Diaz, Evil Detective Rodriguez, Other Rodriguez.”

Diego glaces over to breakroom where he can seen the Rodriguez who sexually harasses him laughing in the doorway and then over to the elevators where bubblegum Rodriguez is checking herself in the reflection of the elevation and carefully brushing back the baby hair at her hairline. “It’s a tie between Detective Diaz and Bubblegum Rodriguez.

Yamaguchi makes another check mark in the air. “Last question,” He says, smirking. “Beaman, Horton or me.”

Diego doesn’t hesitate. “Pass.”

Yamaguchi set him up with a nervous girl who works at the evidence locker for the 98th Precinct. She’s shy at first and then bubbles up beautifully when Diego manages to get her to talk about her passion for photography. Emily Sandler is surprisingly spunky once she gets comfortable in a situation. The first time they have a date alone in his apartment, she smacks his hands when he tries to set the table and tells him he’s an idiot when he tries to eat their dessert pudding with a knife. She even tries to yank the knife out of his hand and he lets her take it for the sheer novelty of having someone try to get a knife off him. No one had tried anything that stupid since they were eight. 

Emily’s the one who steals his first kiss during movie night. Diego thinks they probably would have had sex if they hadn’t been watching Juno, starring his sister.Nothing could kill his boner like Allison. 

He makes a space for her in his life surprisingly quickly. There’s something about the way Emily won’t take his shit that reminds him of Patch. Emily doesn’t mind that Diego’s a virgin. She shows him how to tie knots with quick releases. She teaches him where to touch and where to use a crop. He likes how happy she looks when he gets it right and she doesn’t mind that he’s not comfortable having sex just yet when there’s so much to learn about sceneing.

Diego wants to repay her with a really good gift. Diego’s terrible at gift giving. He considers asking Allison, but Allison is at a shoot in Key Largo. He actually calls Vanya four times at school but her roommate tells him she’s in the practice rooms getting ready for midterms and hangs up when he asks to leave a message. 

He asks Moishe at the Deli about what he should get while he helps the old man close. “You should get her something that you’ll love to touch,” Moishe suggests. “That way you’ll have a hard time keeping your hands off her.”

Diego’s mind goes back to the cuffs and to Patch’s face. “Yeah, that’s good advice.”

He knows he should ask Beaman because out of his new team, Beaman is the closest thing that resembles the definition has Diego’s seen for friend. Diego’s still working on figuring that one out. Beaman would give him some addresses, ask if he needs back up, and make some recommendations. He won’t give Diego a hard time about being homeschooled and never getting any lessons on Concordance. He’s still not even sure he knows what that is, but any time he mentions that at the precinct, the nearest group of people always stops talking to stare at him. Horton usually covers it up by signing, ‘He’s kissing’ and pretending to laugh.

Beaman is the first person he sees when he finally gets the nerve to do something about it.

“Hey Beaman,” Diego says, “I need your help.” 

“Beaman gives him a flat like. “You mean like always.”

Diego takes a deep breath and reminds himself of the cuffs. “Yeah I need your help to get-” He can’t do it. He can’t ask Beaman. “Patch.”

Beaman shrugs. “ Haven’t seen her. She’s on swing shift. I’m was on nights but Pregnant Rodriguez went into labor during a call so they asked me to work a double today. Horton, you seen patch.”

She rolls her eyes and points at a clock and then calls him an idiot.

“Right. Guess I’ll catch her later.”

Diego spends the rest of his duty time jittering as he patrols. It’s horrible, as usual, but at least he knows that his partner Jimenez will be back in 2-3 weeks and they can go back responding to dispatch calls in addition to traffic. At least when they respond to calls Diego can do more than frisk drunk idiots and pull over morons with expired plates.

Patch actually cringes when Diego asks her if she remember Gillian. “I am so sorry about her,” she says, apologizing for the hundredth time. “If I had any idea that she was just going to just grab you like that.”

“It’s fine.” He says.

“I should have dumper her sooner,”she says. “I’m really sorry about it.”

Diego places his hand on her shoulder softly and tries to give her a reassuring squeeze. “It’s fine. I only brought her up because I liked the cuffs you gave her.”

Patch smiles, leaning towards him. “You did?” She says, voice a little breathy.

Diego tells himself that she probably has a cold.

“Yeah, I was hoping to pick a set myself.” He says, face heating up. 

Patch’s eyes go wide. “Oh,” she says in a odd tone. Her eyes drift from Diego’s face down to where he’s still holding on to her shoulder.

Diego feels his face get hotter as he lets go. He clears his throat. “Yes, well. Emily’s been great so I thought I’d ask you-”

Patch takes a half step back and turns away from him as she says, “Oh the address, yeah let me scribble it down.”

“Actually,” Diego says, “I was hoping you could come with me.”

Patch turns back towards him, slowly. “You want me to-”

Diego can’t look her in the face anymore. He looks down at her shoes, worn and cuffed with mud splattered over the black leather. That’s not right. Patch should have someone to take care of her shoes for her. Whoever took over for GIllian is doing a shit job. He should file a complaint with the manager, he thinks for a moment and shakes himself out of it. Complaining to the manager is Dad’s bullshit. 

“Yeah,” He says after waiting too long. “I don’t really know what I’m doing and you buy good,” Diego mentally kicks himself. “...so any help would be appreciated.”

Patch opens her mouth a couple times without saying anything before she manages to say, “Great. Yeah. Let’s compare schedules and do this.”

The shop is on Manhattan, oddly located off-off Broadway in a walk up that sits in the corner of a theater. “I make my living leathercrafting costumes and harnesses and costumes,” Rick Richardson explains as he sits them down in a set of armchairs crammed in a corner, “But my heart lies in designing comfortable and affordable pieces. Everything on display is for sale but Eudora said you were looking for something custom.”

Diego glances at Patch. She reaches over to his hand and gives it an encouraging squeeze. He runs his thumb over her fingers where he can reach.

He turns back to Rick and nods. “Yeah, I was looking for a full cuff set. She has really good taste. Can you make me something soft?”

Rick nods and reached over to a rack hanging on the wall next to his armchair. He pulls out a think book and passes it to Diego. “Flip through and pick the leather that feels right to you. Take your time. I can do measurement while you look.”

Diego takes the book and hasn’t managed to flip open the cover when Rick pulls out a measuring band and reaches for Diego’s wrist.

Diego kicks the armchair back and inch when he rushes up to get out of his reach. THe book makes a heavy thud as it hits the ground. “Whoa,’ He says, holding up his free hand. “They aren’t for me. They’re for my sub.” His heart feels like it’s racing. “It’s a surprise present. For my sub.”

Patch is squeezing his other hand. She never let go.

Rick looks over Diego his gazes comes to rest where Diego’s thumb is trying to keep Patch’s fingers clamped over his fist. “I am so sorry. I misinterpreted the situation,” Rick says. “I usually try to get a perfect fit, but I can do some layering and add buckles for an adjustable fit. Like this.” He stand up and brings a set of cuffs over from a display rack. They’re blue with a thin, buttery layer where the skin touches, overlaid with thick, heavy leather strong enough to keep even Diego in place.

His heart is pounding even stronger. He hears himself say, “This. I want this but in brown.”

RIck nods and holds out the measuring tape again. “If I may, I’d still like to measure you to have something of a gage for sizes. Is your subs wrist thicker or thinner than yours.”

Diego knows for a fact that Emily’s wrists are smaller than Vanya’s after she tried on one of the wrist guard that Vanya had left in his boiler room apartment during spring break. He’s held them during their make out sessions and during movie dates when no one is watching.

“A-a-about my thickness. A little thinner,” he says. “She, um, used to be an athlete.”

Rick has Diego measure himself as his direction and write down the measurements in a book. Then he had Diego pick the leather types, the buckle types, and confirm the width and cut. Patch eventually gets up to walk through the aisles. Diego goes to join her after he’s signed the check for his down payment. “Find anything good?”

She gestures towards a thick dark leather chest harness on display at the edge of the aisle. It’s not particularly large or ostentatious but there’s something about the spacing that makes Diego’s mouth water. There’s careful padding under the shoulders, like it’s meant to bear weight and places where the cross straps are designed to connect to other items and redistribute weight. Diego’s not sure why he’s so drawn to it.

“I think it was designed for pony play or to connect with suspension equipment but I’m not sure.” Patch says. “It’s probably the most practical thing here.”

That must be it. Diego grew up in a house full of beautiful things that they weren’t allowed to touch anything and it shaped him to treasure the real practical things he could hold over anything else.

“You gonna buy it?” He asks, voice rougher than he anticipated.

Patch’s fingers linger on the mannequin, just below the chest strap. She strokes the mannequin as she pulls her hand away. “Nah,” she says. “I’m not seeing anyone right now and it’s clearly designed for a male to scene with.”

“Right,” Diego says, mouth still dry. He hadn’t realized she played with male subs.

He gives a glance back it when they leave. It wouldn’t hurt to look for when he comes back to put up the cuffs. Just in case.


	5. the first rays of sun

Emily dumps him before he has a chance to give her the cuffs. She breaks it to him at a lunch date while Diego’s still in uniform and in public. “I just don’t think we’re compatible in the long run,” She says, fidgeting with her mitten.

Diego doesn’t understand. “I don’t understand.” He says. “Why not?” It scares him how much desperation bleeds into that. All of his life Diego has never been enough and it shocks him how deeply it hurts that the only other time he had ever really tried with a person, he still isn’t enough. He is trying so hard. Diego doesn’t understand. He’s doing everything she asks. “I can do better. I thought I was getting everything right.” He reaches towards her just as she pulls her hands off the table.

“Please, Diego. Be honest,” she says, looking at Diego with shining eyes. “Do you even like hurting me?”

Diego feels something inside him crumple. He has done everything she’s asked. He gave her everything she wanted. He feels himself start to come apart and tries to hold it back by blinking rapidly. “I l-l-l-,” His throat starts to close up and he can only take a heavy sniffle. “I liked taking care of you.”

Emily lets out a nervous laugh, “So, no. You didn’t like hurting me.” She stand ups and fumbles for her wallet. She pauses and then turns back, “I can’t be in a gay relationship, Diego.” She throws a few bills on the table without meeting his eyes.

Diego can’t look at her anymore. He crosses his arms and looks towards the window. He can barely breathe. He feels like he can’t breathe and he won’t let her see it. He’ll never let her or Dad see it.. He pulls himself up by his spine and squares his shoulders. He’s done with this. He’s done.

“For what it’s worth, I hope you find someone who makes you happy. You’re a really good person.” Diego can see her reach towards him in the reflection of the mirror. Her hand pulls back half way through and she zips up her winter coat. She stops for a moment and says, “Don’t call me,” before she’s out the door.

Diego finds himself gasping for air once door clicks shut. He needs to compose himself. He needs to-

Agnes touches his shoulder and wraps her reedy arms around him a half second later. She holds on to him until Diego manages to get the shaking under control. He pulls back after while, only somewhat composed. He can’t stop stuttering long enough to thank her.

She squeezes his shoulder and gives him the same, sweet half-smile. “It’s on the house today. Go home.”

Diego calls out sick and spends the rest of the day drinking at Beaman’s place. Beaman is sympathetic when Diego tells him about the break up and then doubly so when he figures out it’s Diego’s first break up.

“I did everything right,” Diego slurs.

Beaman, nowhere near as drunk, sighs and lays down on his apartment floor next to Diego. “Shit, yeah. Sometimes it’s like that.” He passes Diego a fresh beer without getting up. “Did she give you the whole it’s not you, it’s me?”

“Yes,” Diego says. Beaman has a stain on his ceiling in the shape of the Andromeda constellation. Emily loves astronomy, just like Vanya. “She said she couldn’t be in a gay relationship.”

Beaman sits up and leans over Diego’s face, squinting down. “Are you gay?” he asks.

Diego throws his hand over his face. “I don’t even know what that means,” he snaps and tried to open the bottle with the closest flat object he can reach which is his badge. It doesn’t work.

Beaman inhales sharply. “Right. Homeschooled,” he says. “Gay is when you’re attracted to someone of the same dynamic. A Dom in a relationship with another Dom is considered gay. A sub with a sub with considered gay.” Beaman turns his head towards the label of the beer bottle.

Diego lifts his head just so he can thud it back against the floor. “Great. Someone else who thinks I’m a shitty Dom.”

Beaman keeps his eyes on the beer label. “So, just out of curiosity, were you in a gay-”

“No!” Diego snaps. “I’m a Dom and I’m getting really sick of people telling me that I’m not.”

“Right,” Beaman says, voice higher than normal. “But you know theoretically, if you were a sub or a switch, no one would have any problems with that. You know that right?”

“Obviously,” Diego says. He sits up to reach for the bottle opener on the coffee table. Of course it would be fine. Yamaguchi’s one of his closest friends and Sgt. Santiago is his superior officer. He knows it’s fine. He’s just not like that. He just want- He wants to be good enough for someone.

He looks at the picture Beaman keeps on his wall of the five of them fresh out of the Academy, eyes lingering on Eudora.

He’s had too much drink.

“Hey Beaman,” He says ask he tries to focus on opening his drink. “What’s it called when two switches hook up?”

“I don’t know, hella gay?” Beaman says. “Is it offensive if we call Yamaguchi and ask him?” 

“Probably,” Diego says, reaching for the landline.

It’s a strange thing to obsess about. Diego wouldn’t have even considered the idea of it being gay. It took him a while to figure out Dynamics but it only took ten months tops to get the hang of it. The only way it could even be gay is if Emily was also a DOm but that didn’t make any sense. Diego was always the one on the other end of the crop or flogger or whatever.

Yeah, he may have needed some help figuring out what to do, but it’s not like Mom or Pogo taught them any of it. Allison knows more than he did from all the weird Hollywood parties she’d complain about over the phone. Vanya is just as lost and confused as he is, but she is at least in college and surrounded by people who are also trying to figure themselves out. Diego feels like he’s been thrown in the deep end of the pool he is sitting on the floor, watching the party go on while he tries to get back up to the surface.

It only takes five weeks before his break up was also banned from bar nights. 

“We voted, and you have to shut up.” Yamaguchi says. “It was three to two.”

“It was his first break up,” Beaman protests as Diego takes a long hard drink from his glass of milk. “He should get to complain as much as he wants.”

‘Sorry, Diego,’ Horton signs. She mimes a tear going down the corner of her cheek.

Yamaguchi pats Diego on the back. “This is for your own good,” he says. “If you let it fester, you’ll turn into a fuckboy and that is a fate worse than death.” He claps Diego on the shoulder twice and makes Horton tell them the story about how her partner, Horace, took a dump o a perp.

Diego’s not mad at Emily. Mostly he’s mad at himself. He should have trained is ass off to be a better boyfriend. He can read books and sneak into Vanya’s school lectures and he can practice all does with different kinds of toy, but there’s no class on teaching him how to be a better boyfriend or a better person. All he can do is grit his teeth and not be Dad or Luthor.

His team is pretty good about helping him not obsess. They keep distracting him with things to keep Diego from being too upset about the break up. Friends, Diego realizes, are like the siblings he actually enjoys hanging out with only better because he’s they don’t have 18+ years worth of shared childhood trauma.

He’s still trying to distract himself over where he failed when he gets a call from Lt. Hahn during one of their team bar nights that his brother Klaus has been picked up for possession and their attorney isn’t allowed to bail him out any more. 

“I figured he’s your brother and you’d want to know, rookie,” Lt. Hahn tells him over the phone. ‘Do you want to come down to the station?”

Diego looks at the line of empty shot glasses. In shot of him. “Yes, I’ll be right there.”

He looks at his team. He should probably do this alone. 

He stands up and can’t understand where his sense of balance went. Fuck. He can’t do this alone. “Who wants to come with me to bail my brother out of jail?”

Everyone’s hands go up.

“Who’s sober enough to help me bail my brother out of jail?”

Everyone’s hands go down except for Horton.

Diego sighs and waves for her come over.

Bailing out Klaus is painfully expensive. It takes most of Diego’s savings and he is not happy about it. The worst part is the looks he gets when the other officers see his uniform. Diego has been trying to get out of traffic and into the SVU for months. He swears, if Klaus jeopardizes this, he’ll kill him. He’ll straight up kill him.

“Diego!” Klaus slurs when they bring him out of holding. It takes two officers to carry him because Klaus is too fucked up to walk on his own. “Who told you? Did Barry tell you? Where’s Barry?”

Klaus looks around at the corners of the ceiling like their family attorney would suddenly appear. Diego hates seeing him like this.

“Barry’s not coming.” He says He reached for one of Klaus' arms,wrapped around on office and hoists his brother half way across his back. “Thanks, officer.”

The officer’s eyes flicker to Diego’s badge and he gets a grim nod.

“But I love Barry,” Klaus mumbles. He’s mostly limp across Diego’s back. “I want Barry.”

Diego can’t look at Horton right now. He knows she’ll look as disappointed as he feels. “Barry’s not allowed to see you. Dad cut you off,” Diego says. “They called me to bail you out and you bet your ass I’m going hold you hostage and drag your sorry ass to court.”

Klaus flails a little against him but he’s too fucked up to effectively get himself free. “No,” Klaus starts to sob, taking in heavy breath in between his words. “I don’t want to. They’ll make me go to rehab.” 

Diego can feel Klaus’s snot smear on to the back of his neck. 

“Save me, Barry!” Klaus wails.

Diego puts up with his moaning until they get to the curb to catch a cab. He doesn’t want to explain a crying, drugged out sub to any driver. He’s already getting the stink eye from every pedestrian that saw them leave the station. Horton is laughing at him and every time Diego looks at her, she signs a different variation of ‘I am not leaving this shit show.’

“Hey, Klaus, guess what?” He says loudly.

Klaus sniffled into the back of his shirt. He can feel the slime seeping through his shirt. “What?” Klaus asks, petulant.

“I brought one of my friends to meet you,” Diego says.

He feels Klaus start to flail again on his back. “Diego!” He slurs, “I can’t believe you made a friend and didn’t tell me. Is she real?” He asks

Horton steps around Klaus and signs, ‘Hello.’

“I’m so proud of you,” Klaus says. “I thought- I thought-“

Diego scowls. “What, you thought I couldn’t have friends.”

Klaus stops moving. “No,” he says, almost energetic. “I thought... I’d never get to tell anyone... that he wet the bed until we were twelve,”

“Klaus!” Diego snaps.

The corner of Klaus’ mouth starts to curl into a smile. “And he cried when Dad said Mom couldn’t tuck us in anymore-“

“You’re going to regret this,” Diego says, holding up a fist in Klaus’ line of sight.

Klaus goes quiet after that until the cab pulls up and they stuff him in the back seat. He waits until the cab driver takes off and says, “One time Diego took a space heater into the shower because he was cold burned down the bathroom,” Klaus mumbles. He falls asleep halfway through telling Horton all about how Diego flashed the firefighter.

Horton gives Klaus a besotted look, ‘I am never going to let you forget this,’ she signs. 

Diego knew this would happen but it’s still better than dealing with Klaus alone.

It takes both of them to wrestle Klaus down to Diego’s basement gym apartment. He can feel Horton judging him the whole time. Diego can’t blame her. He’s seen other people’s places. He knows he lives like a vaguely clean hobo. He just like having a place that’s his and familiar without being too big. He’s only ever had one room. He wouldn’t know what to do with more space.

Kaus wakes up as soon as they manage to dump him on to Diego’s bed.

“Holy shit, diego,” Klaus, voice clearer after his nap. “Did you know that you can just tell people what kind of love making to do to you, and they’ll do it?”

Diego lets out a long suffering sigh.

“No, ‘ Klaus tries to squirm into a sitting position and then flops back. He grabs the edge of Diego’s uniform and tugs. “This is important. There are there people, and you tell them what to do they’ll just do it? Doms will just literally do anything I order them to do.”

Diego rolls his eyes and glances over at Horton who looks shocked. 

‘Oh. My God,” she signs. ‘There’s two of you.’

Klaus looks at her oddly, ”Well yes. He’s my brother.” 

She runs one of her hands through her hand and lets out a slow controlled breath before signing, ‘Klaus, do care at all about the trust involved with scening?”

Klaus frowns. “Since when does scening have anything to do with trust? I’m the sub. I’m the one who gets choked out by pretty people.” His eyes go wide and he tugs on Diego’s sleeve. “Hey, Diego! Did you know you can get choked out by pretty people as much as you want if you’re a sub?”

“No, really?” Diego says with fake shock and then laughs when Klaus falls for it and tries to earnestly explain.

Horton stomps her foot. ‘Focus.’ She snaps her fingers for emphasis. ‘You can be a Dom and make someone hurt you in a scene. You can be a Sub and be the one holding the cane. It’s about an exchange of trust. Submission is about giving yourself to another person and trusting them. Dominance is about taking this gift and using it to bring out the best in each other you stupid, stupid shits.’

Klaus frowns and leans closer towards her hands. “No, that can’t be right. I wouldn’t trust anyone who fucks me.”

“Now I’m definitely locking you up in here,” Diego says. “Klaus!”

Klaus lets out a huff and throws himself back on the bed.

‘Just think about it, Diego!’ Horton signs.

“Okay, okay,” Diego says. “I’ll have a talk with him when he sobers up.”

Horton takes another deep breath and then, telegraphing her movements, she picks up Diego shoes and throws them at him.

Diego dodges the first but doesn’t manage to dodge the second. “What was that for?”

Horton doesn’t answer. She gives him the hand and storms out.

Diego does not understand her at all. 

He pulls his blanket out from under Klaus and wraps it around him before he uses Al’s phone to call out from work tomorrow. He cleans out the injuries on Klaus’ feet before he shoves Klaus into the corner by the wall and crawls into bed with him. 

Diego has his handsful keeping an eye on Klaus before his court date. Diego has to pull his only string in the DA’s office to get the court date moved up to the. Klaus gets vicious when it becomes clear that Diego’s going to drag him back to court and Diego has to handcuff him and force him every step of the way. 

Klaus’ betrayed expression makes him feel sick when he picks up the bail check. Diego puts it back in his savings account and tries not to feel like its blood money.

It puts him in a horrible mood for the next group get together, where Horton corners him while he goes to get the next round.

‘Did you think about it?’ Horton signs.

“Think about what?” Diego asks as he grabs the beer pitcher and glass of milk.

Horton takes off her shoe and hits him with it. Diego doesn’t even try to dodge. “That doesn’t help. You hit me for a lot of things.”

Horton mimes a whipping motion.

“Oh that?” Diego says. “I forgot to talk to Klaus about it. Sorry.” 

He had thought about bringing it up with Klaus, but it was hard to try to get it straight in his head. A Dom being the one tied up? A Sub being the person holding a flogger? He thought he had the system figured out in his head and he was wrong. Again. Diego doesn’t understand how Allison manages when they shit comes up way more in her day to day life than it ever does in his. 

Diego’s caned Emily a few times. She loved it any time they scened with a cane. She would be mewling by the time they were done and Diego hadn’t liked hurting her but he had loved the way she treating him like he was the center of her world after. She would crawl into his lap and kiss him like she couldn’t survive without touching him. She’d walk his through how to care for her welts and sometimes, if she was in a really good mood, she would cuddle with him.

His favorite thing they would do together was when she would lie down, half on top of him with her head resting on his chest and one arm thrown over his waist. If he was really lucky, she would fall asleep on him, forcing him to stay still to keep her from waking up. It made him feel warm and safe and a little helpless in the best way. He had always imagined that love would feel like that but it was hard to be sure, since he he had never been held by a human person who loved him. 

Luthor’s choke outs didn’t count.

‘Did you think about it?’ Horton signs harshly. She looks at him over the rim of her glasses. 

Only obsessively, Diego thinks. “No.” he says.

Horton hits him again with her shoe. She doesn’t bring it up again.

Diego thinks about it too much. In between writing tickets, pulling over license violators, and waiting for Office Beecher to show up to administer a DUI, he has too much time to think.

He waits until the end of a long shift, after the gym’s closed up and cleaned up. He tries the floggers on his legs and it does nothing for him. He tries to use clothes pins but mostly he breaks six of them and gives up. He even tries to ties up his own legs from a book illustration but he can't get anything to line up right and he gives up in disgust. 

He uses one of his days off to pick up the cuffs on his own from Patch’s guy. The first thing when he walks into the shop is go straight for the corner where the harness was but it’s gone. The shop assistant isn’t the same person Diego met with last time, but he has Diego’s corner ready to go in a small wooden box. “Bon appetit,” he says, leaning a in a little far as he hands the box over the counter. “Do let me know if you need anyone to put those on you, sweetheart.”

Diego freezes for a moment and then shakes it off. He doesn’t say anything. He knows if he opens his mouth he’ll stutter.

He wraps the box with newspaper before he goes in the gym. His palms are sweating. He turns down offers to spar and he actually jumps like some kind of civilian when Al call’s him back to give him a message from Vanya.

When he makes it back to the boiler room, he locks the door and drags a folding chair up the stairs just to jam it under the door knob.

The newspaper crinkle to unwrap the box sounds deafening in the small space. The box underneath in nondescript. Smooth, dark wood. Policed like most of the furniture growing up. The lid pulls off clean to show four cuffs resting on velvet. He reaches out with his right hand and brushes his fingers against the leather. The leather is buttery and unbelievable soft.

Diego’s hands are shaking as he picks up one of the wrist cuffs and undoes the buckle. There’s no resistance when he tugs the strap open. 

He gasps when he slides his hand into the cuff. It feels like his wrist is being held in the best possible way. He shudders when he pulls the strap shut. Diego’s never felt anything like this. He’s only wearing one cuff. He can’t even imagine what it will feel like to wear all four.

The thought hits him hard and he finds himself clawing at his wrist to get it off. He gets it back over his hand in a few seconds, but not without leaving long scratch marks on the back of his wrist.

The cuff lies out of place in the box, no harm to show for the fall.

Diego puts the lid on and shoves the whole thing beneath his cot. He sits on the floor and tries to stop his heart from racing. He doesn’t want to think about it.


	6. and it dawns

Diego can’t forget about the box. The leather just felt amazing. It could just be a leather fetish but he’s never gotten off on the smell of it or the touch of it. Before the cuff incident, Diego would have just called it neat.

Maybe it’s the craftsmanship? He felt drawn to other things in the shop. Like the Harness. The soft, supple leather layers under corse, barely worked thick cuts. The iron joints of the harness promising a cold touch that harms over time.

Diego can’t get the harness out of his mind either. Maybe he’s really into it? He thinks that leather’s one of those things people of all Dynamics can get into. 

He tries to discreetly sniff some of the other officer’s jackets, but the only people who can afford real leather are the upstairs officers at the 99 and he is not about to let Captain Holt catch him sniffing his jacket.

He gets so frustrated he actually growls at his desk mid paperwork and buries his head in his arms.

“You still mad about the thing you won’t talk about?” Beaman’s voice asks from somewhere to his left.

Diego lifts his head up just high enough that he can glare at Beaman over his arms.

“Look man,” Beaman says. “This is becoming a problem for you. You’re turning into the bad kind obsessive instead of your usual obsessive.”

“Is there a good obsessive?” Diego asks. “I’m asking for a friend.”

“No.” Beaman sends him a flat look. “Come on, Dee. How do you usually solve your problems?”

Diego takes a moment to think about it. “I think of what my brother Luthor would do and then I do the opposite of that.” It wasn’t a perfect system but it worked pretty well.

Beaman purses his lips and looks into his cup with an indescribable expression. “You know, sometimes I think you can’t get more maladjusted and then you say shit like that.”

Diego grunts. 

He drops his head back down and takes a moment to think. If Luthor was having some kind of sexual identity crisis, he would probably try to figure it out himself.

Well,, that makes Diego’s decision easy. He’s just going to ask someone to help him figure out if he’s a switch or a sub or something.

He knows exactly who to ask for help.

It takes him a week to run into Patch. She’s on permanent night shift now that she’s transferred to Narcotics and Diego’s still stick on Traffic and rotating shifts until he can get his foot in the door with the Special Victims Unit. 

“I need your help. It’s personal,” he says.

Patch rolls her eyes, “I’m a little busy right now,” she says and gestures with her chin to the perp she is holding. 

“I can wait,” the perp says. “My best friend Jake isn’t on duty for another two hours. You may have heard of him, Detective Jake Peralta?”

Diego shoves his hands in his pockets and looks at Patch.

She squares her jaw and somehow manages to radiate disappointment from her entire body. “I am not getting Doug Judy’s case dismissed because I broke procedure. We can talk later. Wait for me.”

Diego opens his mouth to argue but she lifts her jaw half an inch to look down her nose and he knows it’s a lost case. He nods and goes into the briefing room to wait for her. 

She shows up thirty minutes later looking vaguely annoyed. “I looked everywhere for you. Why didn’t you wait for me where I told you?”

Diego raises his eyebrows. “Was I supposed to just stand there in the middle of the floor?”

Patch makes a face. “I see your point.”

Diego shifts, adjusting himself to face Patch with his legs spread and his elbows resting on his knees. “I’ve had something on my mind lately.”

Patch sits down in the seat next to him. “No shit. Instead of obsessing over justice, you’ve been staring at nothing so hard that Horton thought you had a stroke.”

He just goes for it “I’ve been thinking a lot about what Emily said and I was wondering if you could help me figure some shit out?”

Patch scowls, “No way, we voted I’m not getting sucked into listening to another of your rants about not being gay. We get it.” 

“Well,” Diego says, hunching his shoulders forward. “Funny you say that. That’s what I’m trying to figure out. Are you in or not, Patch?”

Patch leans over in her seat just enough to force herself into Diego’s line of sight. “When you say figure out, what do you mean?”

Diego takes a deep breath before he faces her. He feels nervous as hell but he’s not about to let that stop him. Not when the other option is to do what Luthor would do. “Will you help me figure out if I’m a switch?”

“Oh thank fuck!” Patch relaxes back into her seat. “I thought you were going to ask to talk about your feelings.” She lets out a laugh in relief. “Diego, don’t scare me like that.”

He nudged her leg with his knee. “Just for that I’m going to talk about my feelings.”

She laughs again. Her hair falls back as she shakes with it and she has never looked so beautiful. 

“I’m feeling a sad, Patch,” Diego says, nudging her with his elbow. “You’ve gotta help me talk about it. It’s a whole sad.” Diego could watch her laugh all day.

“Don’t-” she manages to gasp. 

Diego mimes a tear falling down his cheek and that’s it. Patch laughs so hard she falls out of her chair. 

It takes them them so long to try and coordinate a shift together that Diego gives up and puts in for three days of leave just so they’ll line up with her leave. They settle on Diego’s place after the gym closes so Diego will feel like he’s in a safe space and they can try some louder kinds of play without upsetting any neighbors.

They come up with a list of things to try out. None of it sounds particularly appealing besides Patch’s suggestion that they try immobilization since it’s a favorite of hers. Diego’s hoping that means cuffs but he’s also dreading it.

He doesn’t know how to tell her that he still has the cuffs or that they kicked off all of this. He keeps waiting for her to ask and she doesn’t. She just keeps giving him smiles and shoulder nudges when they bump into each other in the station. 

Evil Rodriguez catches on pretty quick that they are planning on a scene and doubles down on her sexual harassment. Diego can’t find the energy to be offended by it anymore. He’s mostly using Evil Rodriguez as an opportunity to learn Spanish. He’s not sure if she’s figured it out.

Diego spends his time leading up to Patch’s visit by switching between aggressive cleaning and shirtless boxing. He even hops in the ring a few times with a couple of the guys Al trains for the Tuesday Night Fights. He spends more time in the shower scrubbing himself clean than he has in months and then waits at the front of Al’s shop to let her in.

Diego is still pretty wound up when he lets her in. She arrives with the biggest suitcase Diego’s ever seen. She’s wearing her nice sweats and uniform shoes instead of her comfort sweats like Diego was expecting. “I thought you were coming straight from the station?” he asks. “You sick or something?”

“What this?” Patch looks down at her clothes. “Yeah, they told us to dress for undercover and I panicked.” She pops her shirt collar and makes a face. “Real junkies don’t exactly run around in Ralph Lauren.”

Diego smirks as he grabs her elbow. “Bullshit, what dumbass told you that?”

Patch looks almost vulnerable when she grabs his shoulder. “Really? This is okay?”

“I can’t tell you how many times Klaus has shown up in Valentino,” Diego says. “He used to do coke with the Meachum kids at fundraisers until Dad stopped taking us. That’ not your problem. Your shoes are a dead give away. You wore your cop shoes for undercover?”

Patch looks down and groans.

Her shoes look awful, as usual, despite regulations. The leather is dusty and the color is fading in places, cracking in others. Coffee stains from those giant thermoses she carries around because a 20 ounce cup isn’t enough. She wears her life on those shoes and never cares for them.

Diego slips into a rueful smile. Typical Patch. She should really have someone take care of those. 

Patch, to her credit, does not give Diego shit for his boiler room. She just set her suitcase in the corner turns around to pop open the lid. “Do you have any idea how you want to do this?”

“We can just start off with the stuff I know won’t work.” Diego says. He strips off his shirt and kicks off his shoes. He stretches his arms out and then over his head.

“You haven’t even tried it in a scene! The classics are a classic for-” Patch’s voice fades out..

Diego turns his head mid stretch to look back at her. 

Patch is staring at him, wild eyed. 

Diego looks down. He’s pretty sure his clothes are clean. He tripped checked before he left the boiler room. “Everything all right?” He asks.

Patch blinks a couple times and turns back towards the suitcase, away from him. “Yeah, sure.” she says, voice a little high. “I just got distracted. Here.” She pulls a large zebra-striped pillow out of her suitcase and throws it at Diego. “I figured you probably wouldn’t have anything good for kneeling and I didn’t want to bring my good pillows.”

Diego holds the padded monstrocity with both hands. “Thanks, I hate it.”

She flicks him off and turns back to the suitcase.

Diego smiles. 

“Now turn around and face the boiler. I don’t want to ruin the surprise.”

Diego raises his eyebrows. “We already discussed all of this. None of its a surprise, Patch.”

Patch turns around from where she’s bent over, “Diego.” She snaps, “Turn around around and face the boiler. You need to be kneeling on the pillow by the time I turn back around or else.”

Diego gives her a flat look. He should have warned her that giving him orders like that always made him itch to give absolute hell in return. She had asked him, during a quick fifteen minutes in the corner of the break room, if he had any triggers or issues to avoid and he had told her flatly not to act like his Dad and they’d be fine. She didn’t think it would be a problem but apparently, she was wrong.

He kneels down and tries not to fume. He can feel himself start to chafe at the thought of kneeling. He doesn’t understand why. He wants this. He wants to try to see if he can go down into subspace with her help but something about being ordered is rubbing him the wrong way. On the other hand, after the time drags out, Diego can feel himself calm down a little. He reminds himself, that he wants this. He wants to know for his own sake if Emily was right or he would never be able to let this go.

Something in him starts to center. The tension isn’t all gone but he can feel his shoulder relax.

He hears Eudora shuffle a little behind him. He can hear things hitting the covers on his cot. There’s rustling behind him too, but he’s not sure what it is. He shifts his weight and tries to keep his eye on the other wall.

Eudora slowly walks into his line of sight. She reaches down and takes Diego firmly by the chin, tilting his head back until he’s looking up at her. “Tonight, you can call me Eudora or Miss. Do you understand?” 

Her voice is different than when she snapped at him. It feels more in a way Diago hadn’t anticipated.He tries to nod and stops when he feels resistance. “Yes, Eudora.” He swallows. It sounds really good when he calls her that.

Her eyes are dark in the shadow of the lights. “Do you remember your colors?” 

He tries to nod again and doesn’t manage. Oh god, he’s going to fuck this up. “Red for stop, Yellow for slow down and R-r-red for stop,” He says, stuttering a little at the end.

She smiles at him sweetly and rubs her thumb along his jawline. “Take a deep breath with me, Diego.”

He tries to breath in with her and doesn’t quite manage before he exhales early. She keeps breathing as a slow rhythm until he manages to sync up. He can feel more of his tension bleed away as they go and his mind goes quiet for the first time all day. He almost missed it when she speaks again.

“Let’s try again,” she says, smiling. “What are your colors, Diego?”

He finishes his inhale, “Green for go, yellow to slow, red to stop.”

“And what’s your color now?” She asks, leaning down a little more to look closer.

“Green,” Diego says and then pressed his face back against her grasp.

She break into a grin. “Great! Stay right there,” she says, voice closer to her usual tone.

She dashes out of Diego’s line of sight and comes back with a skein of rope.

Diego groans.

“Oh, come on,” she says, hitting him on the shoulder with the rope. “How will you know if you’re a rope bunny unless you try it.”

Diego rolls his eyes but stays still as she starts to wind the cord around him. Eudora complains repeatedly about his body language being too sassy, but it’s not Diego’s fault that his shoulders just do that. She winds a double arm knot around his elbow and winds his hands together. When she’s done, she checks the cords, sliding a finger underneath to make sure it’s not too tight. She grins when she’s done and declares it, “Acceptable.”

Diego can best describe the situation as comfortably uncomfortable.

Eudora studies him when she finishes. She scrunches her nose to the side. “Try struggling a little.

It takes everything in Diego not to roll his eyes. He wriggles his elbows and his hands. The rope is doing nothing. If anything, it’s bringing him out of the calm he can been feeling when they started. 

“Nothing? Really?” Eudora asks, visibly disappointed. 

Diego shakes his head. Dad had tied him up twice a week until he moved out. That wasn’t counting all the times he had gotten kidnapped and/or tied up by one of the Umbrella Academy Villains. She couldn’t have picked a more effective buzzkill if she tried.

She picks up the sheers and cuts him out of the tie with a grumpy expression. Diego doesn’t know what’s she’s so grumpy about. He had warned her, multiple times. No, she insisted that he had to try it.

“I guess this means you weren’t kidding about the gags, either,” Eudora says, sounding disappointed.

Diego gives her a flat look

Dad had taken to gagging him as a punishment when he couldn’t talk without stuttering. Most of Allison’s gags when they were teens were Diego’s hand me downs. Yeah, gags weren’t going to do anything for him.

Eudora shuffles out of his line of sight and comes back with a blindfold. She told it in front of him. Diego looks at it warily. He’s not sure how he’ll take it. He might be jumpy or it might be like Eudora’s breathing thing.

She seems something in his face that makes her go down on one knee to look Diego in the eyes. “Color?” She asks, holding the blindfold in front of her with one hand.

Diego’s numb to gags and ties but, he’s never been in a good place when someone’s blindfolded him. It had sounded fun when they talked about it, but all he can feel is the slide of a needle in his neck and the memory of being dragged away from his siblings. He doesn’t want to do this, but he has to. “Yellow,” he whispers.

Diego drops his eyes to the floor. He feels like such a failure. He was a shit Dom and now he’s turning into a shit Sub too. He should have known he’s fuck this up too.

Eudora drops the blindfold and runs her hands over his arms. Her hands arm cold and it surprises Diego enough that he looks up at her. She makes a soft shushing noise and just runs her hands over his arms, rubbing where the ropes left their marks. “It’s okay, this is what colors are for,” she says. Her eyes are kind. “Thank you for using your colors.”

Diego shifts his weight. He hadn’t expected her to have her hands touching him like this. The way she’s touching him is delicate, like Diego’s the fragile one. Diego’s never been the fragile one. He’s always had to be strong. The punching bag and distraction whenever Dad was eyeing Klaus or Five or Vanya. 

She always makes him feel treasure but her hands felt like more. His thoughts are getting heavy. 

“Good job, Diego,” She says, takes his chin in her hand again and lifts it so he’s looking he in the eyes. “I’m proud of you.”

Diego feels hot when she praises him but telling him she was proud made a sharp spike of arousal rush through him. He feels like his skin in tingling and everything is too much.

Eudora makes that strange expression she’s been making when she looks at him. “Oh,” she says softly. She runs her thumb along his jaw again. Diego leans into it. He feels helpless. He feels like he’s underwater and he’s not allowed to breath. It’s amazing. 

She slowly strokes her thumb over his mouth and lets it rest there while she studies him. 

Diego doesn’t know what she sees but he knows he needs her right now. He needs her to touch him and tell him that again.

Diego can’t help but press his lips against her thumb and let out a soft whine. He loves this.

The tip of Eudora’s mouth twitches, “Good boy.”

Diego gasps again. He really hadn’t expected hard it would make him to hear that. God, he can smell the cheap department soap on her hands and her stupid coffee. It never made him feel like this before. It never made him desperate to mouth it away until all he can smell and taste is Eudora beneath it.

Eudora slowly threads her free hand in his hair and tightens her fingers in his hair until he can feel it like an inescapable hold. She pulls his head back and stretches his neck out in front of her. 

Diego lets out a low moan around her thumb. He’s panting. He wants her to touch him and press him down and take what she wants. He wants her to keep telling him he’s good and help him be good.

He can feel the precum dripping out of him. Somehow, it’s the least important thing.

“Good boy,” Eudora says into his right ear. “You’re doing so well.”

Diego might pass out from the pleasure. She tugs his head up as she stands until she’s pulled him up to his knees. She looks like a goddess above him as she bites her bottom lip and thinks. “Diego?”

He makes a small sound in the back of his throat to show he knows she’s calling him. Her voice is intoxicating like this. He thinks he might be getting dizzy from lust. 

She bops the tip of his nose. The move startles him a little out of the floating place his mind was sinking into. “Color?”

He blinks once as he responds, “Green, Miss.”

She inhales sharply. “Yeah, that is hot.” she mutters. “Diego, you’re being very good for me. You can have one reward. What do you want?”

The answer comes to Diego knows with sudden, perfect clarity. He tries to look down but her grip so too good. He moans softly when he realizes she has him and he can’t get out of her grip.

“Oh, right,” Eudora looks embarrassed as she lets go of him. “Go on, Diego.”

Diego doesn’t hesitate. He drops down to the concrete, crawling half off his pillow to lean down and lick her left shoe. He needs to do this. He needs to care for her- He starts crying part way through as he tries to clean the surface with his tongue. The leather is tougher than it looks and it taste disgusting but a part of him feels free as his kisses and licks his way around every spot he can touch. 

Miss shifts for him so he can reach her second shoe. He doesn’t know how much time he loses, licking and crying as he cleans her shoes. He’s been craving this before he even knew what this was. He wants to rest at her feet and have her tell him he’s good until he’s delirious from the praise and the pleasure.

He had never thought it would be like this.

Eventually, Miss reaches down and pulls him up by his hair. “That’s enough, Diego. You did a really good job.” He tries to lean in to nuzzle her but he doesn’t get very far in her grip.

She laughs and lets go of him so she can put his hair. “Let’s get you cleaned up.” She picks him up and manhandled him to the bed. Diego feels like he’s walking drunk. He needs Miss to help him sit and wrap him in a blanket. It feels strange to sit on furniture when he wants to be at her feet. Miss lets him curl up on his side in the cot with his head in her lap as she runs her fingers in his hair. He loses himself completely. Fading into the soft pleasure of her fingers running, soothing and scratching. 

He feels stiff when he comes back to himself. Something about him must have tipped her off because Eudora holds up three protein bars in his line of sight and tells him he should try to have one and a drink of water.

“You going to hold up three different bottles too?” he asks. His mouth taste disgusting. 

“No,” she says, voice sounding put out. “I only brought two kind of water. You want flat or sparkling?”

He lets out of huff of laughter. He throat feels raw. He was making a lot of animalistic noises once she got him settled on the cot.

“You should probably wash your most out with listerine,” she says, apologetically. “I’m so sorry, if I had known you were going to do that I would have disinfected a pair and brought it in the suitcase.”

Diego grunts. If he had known he was going to do that, he would have cleaned them himself. However, just thinking about how it felt to let go and take care of her in a small way had felt amazing. “I’ll go in a minute.” He closes his eyes and lets one of his hands reach out to lay over the curve of her knee. “I’m still processing.”

“Right,” Eudora says. “Is it safe to say the experiment was a success?”

Diego lets out a bark of laughter. “Yeah, he says. “I was definitely a sub. I mean, am a sub.”

“Are you sure you’re not a switch?” She asks.

Diego, turns his head just far back enough to give her a flat look.

“Okay, Jeez,” she says. “Remind me not to be respectful of you in the future.”

Diego turns back into her lap and closes his eyes. “Thank you.”

He’s never been on this side of the aftercare before either and it’s almost unnatural how good it feels to have eudora bring his his mouthwash to rinse out his mouth and a mug to spit in. She bugs him until he eats a protein back and drinks two bottles of water, because apparently he’s ‘bigger than she expected and he’s going to need it.

She stays with him and event climbs on top of him, once he confesses that it was the only thing he liked about aftercare with Emily. He feels like he should be doing something for her but for once, it feels so good to be the one care for.

She packs up after they fall asleep like that and Diego forgets that its the middle of their busiest time when he offers to walk her through the door. None of the regulars say anything but Diego can feel them eyeing him as he shows her the door. He knows he’s walking a little funny from spending all that time on his knees but he didn’t think it would be so obvious. They wait until Eudora’s out of sight from the window and most of the guys start wolf whistling him.

Diego just smiles.

Al yells at everyone to go back to working out and ushers Diego into his office.

“You okay, kid?” he asks, concern weighed in every line of his old, wrinkly face. “You need me to give her to shovel talk? I ain’t afraid to take out a cop if she hurts you.”

Diego smiles and shakes his head. “Nah,” he says, shaking his head and a slow, dawning realization creeps into him. “I think I love her.” 

The words feel right to him, down to his bones. She’s the best happiness he’s known and he understands then, in that moment, by all that’s good and true, that he loves her.

Al slaps him on the shoulder, “Sounds like you’re fucked.”

Diego shrugs even as he can feel the huge smile that starts to creep across his face. “Took me long enough.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this is as far as this one goes. Thanks for the ride.

**Author's Note:**

> I was thinking about what an absolute shit parent Monocle turned out to be, when it occurred to me that a guy who wouldn't let his kids have more than 30 minutes of recreation time a week would also be the kind of guy who, frankly, wouldn't bother with something irrelevant like dating or sex ed. He sure as fuck wasn't going to let them read literature or watch television so, going out into the real world would have been an ugly shock. Going out into the real world in a D/s verse would have been next level messed up. So, that's why we're here.
> 
> Fair warning, no beta. This is just being written at 1 am when I should be sleeping as it should be.


End file.
